Do you want to stop negative thoughts? There are many situations that you may find yourself in which sparks a conversation in your own mind.
Whether it’s when you look in the mirror, before a job interview or when trying to make a big decision, self talk is all something we can relate to.
In some cases, it might go beyond this, and you may find yourself with a constant, nagging or negative voice in your head. It may even be so habitual that you don’t even recognise it.
This isn’t good, because what we say and the way we talk to ourselves really does matter.
How negative thoughts can feel
Do you often find yourself in a vicious cycle of negative thoughts? Sometimes it feels like you have got yourself tangled in a web so big, you can no longer see a way out.
A constant loop of negative thoughts can be brutal. They can really bring you down, make you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or a whole host of other feelings.
It can bring many feelings of envy, when you find out that some people don’t even have a narrative that runs through their minds, let alone a constant, self critical one that demonises every single thing that you do. You are overwhelmed, and constantly victimised by your own brain.
It sucks.
It more than sucks.
It can impact everything from your self-esteem, to your relationships and work. It’s not just annoying and disruptive, but it is super harmful to your mental wellbeing, which is when it is time to draw the line and stop the negative thoughts.
Whether you are thinking about something in your past, or just indulging in negative self-talk, it can feel like an attack and you’re stuck in the small, dark corner.
It is common. But that doesn’t mean you should put up with it.
In this blog, we will look at why negative self-talk matters, tips to identify it as well as some advice and exercises to help you overcome negative thoughts.
Why does the way we talk to ourselves matter?
“I look fat, I can’t go outside today incase someone looks at me and sees just how fat I am”
“I have a body. A human body. What it can do for me is amazing. I am going to celebrate my body by going outside for a walk”
“I have a body that can move. I am going to go outside for a walk”
Three examples. One shows acting with intent and believing in themselves, being positive. The other is really being quite brutal, forcing silence and deprivation of human connection, social interaction and nature. The third, well, is just neutral. This is an important example, because not everything has to be positive. Sometimes positive can feel too far out of reach, which is where a neutral thought is more helpful.
You talk to yourself like this, as if it is normal. But would you speak to a friend or family member like that?
The more you talk to yourself, the more you start to believe it. So if this is all negative, you start to believe some really nasty things about yourself (which I guarantee are NOT true)
Your brain does not know the difference between reality and fiction, but you do. Whatever we continue to say to ourselves, we start to believe it. It becomes a habit. As a human being, habits are formed when you repeatedly do something, because it makes the neural pathway in your brain much stronger, so it then becomes part of the norm.
You do not want to become (or continue to be) a prison to your mind. The way you talk to yourself is really fundamental to the joy you are able to experience on a daily basis. This is important to think about when you want to stop negative thoughts.
Think about it…. The only person you will spend your entire lives with is yourself.
Self talk has the ability to impact:
- the way you feel about yourself
- your confidence
- your self esteem
- your self worth
- the way you view the world
- what you achieve
- the actions you take
- how you interact with people
It is also important to know that there a whole range of other factors that contribute to how you view yourself. This is just one example for the purpose of the article topic.
Negative self talk has the ability to show up in so many areas of your life, even if you do not realise it. The most common example is body image. If you are constantly picking out parts of your body and saying you do not like them, you begin to despise yourself. This then snowballs into not liking any clothes, trying to find a quick fix, saying to yourself “I will not be happy when my body looks like x” comparing yourself to others, less social outings, more anxiety, different programs, diets, etc. and then nothing, not even all the things you think you need, will fix it. This is just another example of how happiness is viewed as a destination. The only thing that can change things is the way you view yourself.
External factors such as comparisons, the media and weird societal norms influence the way you view your wellbeing.
Isn’t it so sad that the default mode is to put yourself down?
You shouldn’t be constantly tearing yourself down.
You should be building yourself up.
The Ego
The Ego is a term used to describe that voice inside your head.
It is not all bad – Freud suggested that the Ego is there to provide balance and rationale when decision making. Between your primitive instincts and societal rules and norms.
However, the difference is how far you let the Ego control your life, what it says to you and how it leads you to behave. We must find the right balance.
Can negative self-talk be good?
While the context of the self-talk itself may be negative, that doesn’t always mean it is a bad thing. In some, and I mean some, cases, negative self-talk can be productive. If you genuinely believe you have made a mistake, for example, then negative self-talk can bring awareness to your actions. Think of it as reflective criticism.
There may be a productive side of this self-talk. When it can be used in reflection, and you learn from it. Understanding all parts of your complex self that arise in different situations, provides you with an opportunity to learn and grow.
However, this talk can quickly become toxic and harmful. They can be horrible and intrusive, and that is something that needs to change.
To help you on your journey, here are some top tips to coping with negative self-talk. This is not medical advice, nor is it suggesting that you replace medical help with this article. Please make sure you look after yourself, and seek professional support.
You are not your thoughts
Thoughts and memory are an odd thing. PsychologyToday described thought as:
“Fundamentally, our thoughts are maps representing and corresponding to things that our brains have either perceived with our senses, felt with our emotions, or formed as an action plan”
Really, they are just your perception of your life experiences and social conditioning. Sometimes you are just living life on autopilot, which then allows minds to become contaminated with fear, doubt, anxiety, etc.
Everything you have ever been exposed to in life, the good and the bad, will affect the kind of thoughts you are having. When you look at the society we live in today, e.g. the media, social norms, social media, etc. there’s no wonder we suffer with so much negative self talk.
Understanding that you are not your thoughts, is an important step to taking control of your life.
Preface
This is general information to help you on your journey, and meet you where you are at. This is not a claim to solve anything. It can also be different if you struggle with things like obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, and other things, where more deep diving may be necessary, with the help of a professional, and perhaps complimented by therapies such as exposure therapy and cognitive behavioural therapy.
What can we do?
- Set realistic expectations
- Identify
- Witness
- Do not engage or entertain
#1 Set realistic expectations
It is important to be honest right from the start.
This is quite a complex situation, and goes way deeper than just a few negative things about yourself. It might not be possible to completely stop negative thoughts that you have now, and may have in the future. It is important to set realistic expectations right from the start, and the journey for your negative self-talk is going to look a lot like unlearning old patterns, learning new ones, and adopting coping methods. Everyone is different, and there may be some that you can get rid of, and some that you manage.
If negative thoughts are repetitive, they create neural pathways in the brain, which makes them easy and habitual, which is why you might not even realise half the time what you are saying. However, this also means they are more difficult to get rid of. But not impossible.
If you are stuck in self-sabotage mode, it is going to be a lot harder to work on yourself, kick some of your old patterns, and find the drive to make a few changes.
Sometimes you won’t be ready and that’s okay.
But when you are, you’ll make the changes.
#2 Identify negative self-talk
Identifying the internal dialogue can be really key. As soon as you identify this, it makes working through it a whole lot easier. And I do say working through, because, as with most things, there is not a quick fix.
We have lots of thoughts.
Some can be really useful, of course. If you are making a big decision, for example. There are also many other automatic thoughts that you have, such as brushing your teeth or getting dressed.
The kind of thoughts I am talking about are the negative, unproductive ones that cause us a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety and become a barrier to having more control and living life. We wouldn’t talk to others like this, so why are we talking to ourselves like this?
In some cases, you may not even recognise the negative automatic thoughts that you indulge in, because they are just involuntary responses to certain triggers, situations or stimuli.
You may have a variety of different negative thoughts. There was a theory proposed by Aaron Beck in 1976 called the Negative Triad which incorporates thoughts from three angles: 1. Thoughts about yourself 2. Thoughts about the world around you 3. Thoughts about your future.
Think of them as the annoying, nagging passenger in your car, who thinks they know best, while you are trying to drive.
YOU are in the driver’s seat. You ultimately have control over where you are going, how you are going to get there and how fast. Don’t let the bad backseat driver dictate.
But it is also important to know that not all thoughts, and not all negative thoughts are bad. We are wired in a way that thoughts are supposed to alert you to danger, to keep you safe. Having negative thoughts should alert you enough to change your behaviour, solve problems and learn from mistakes.
This is why the identification and acknowledgment process is vital, and can take some time. There is no rush – this is something you may be doing for a while until it becomes easy and habitual and you can begin to reframe them and feel a bit more at ease in your own mind.
#3 Become a witness
Becoming a witness to your thoughts is a strange concept at first. It’s kind of just like noticing the thought and saying “ah, that thought is there” and making a mental note of it.
This allows you to take a step back and see it for what it really is, just a thought. Then you are able to start to remove the judgement.
A great tip I have been given several times is to name your Ego. By giving it a name, you are just identifying it as a separate entity and allows you to create space between you and your thoughts.
These steps are helpful in bringing a little perspective. You can even write them down. This can be a really powerful way to see for yourself the harm that is going on in your own head. When you witness negative self-talk, you start to separate yourself from them. You can begin to see that thoughts are just that, thoughts. They are not facts, and more often than not, they have no substance to them.
#4 Do not dwell
By not dwelling on the thought, you are not letting it hold power over you.
What makes it real is the energy and the attention we give it. Entertaining or engaging with those thoughts, are only going to create more anxiety and stress for yourself, aka not putting fuel in the fire and getting you stuck in a vicious cycle.
It is possible to break those cycles and regain some control over your own mind.
There are many things you can do to help you not dwell on your thoughts. There many be different techniques you use at different times, depending on what you need in the moment. You may choose to refocus your attention. You can also opt to explore the thoughts in a safe way, or choose new thoughts.
a) Explore
Exploring your negative self-talk is a good way to get to the possible causes and triggers. This might not always be the path you want to take, and it doesn’t have to be. It can also help you to identify any important messages that your mind and body might be trying to tell you. For example, you are too hard on yourself, or perhaps a situation needs to change.
If you choose to, then you can begin to explore your thoughts by getting curious. An important requisite of this activity is that you explore with passion and kindness. You can begin to explore these thoughts by asking yourself some reflective questions, for example,
Are they facts or opinions?
Are they helpful or productive?
Do they serve the person you are, or want to be?
Is there another perspective on this issue that you can consider?
Are your thoughts subject to your own bias?
Exploring will take more than one go. In fact, you will have to go through this process on a regular basis at first. The act of challenging your thoughts can help you change your perspective and at times, empower you to have more choice in where you are placing your attention.
Exploring can be done in the moment, or at a later stage. Just make a note for the future, so you can begin to notice patterns. And remember the point above, don’t dwell.
b) Choose again
Note the thought (mentally or in a notebook), challenge it if you wish (not always necessary) and choose again.
You are human, which means you have the ability to choose thoughts.
This means that, when that negative narrative arises again, you can replace it with something neutral, factual, or helpful. It doesn’t have to be positive, fake or unrealistic, but choosing your wording carefully can make a huge difference to how the situation makes us feel, and therefore, how we respond and what steps we take next.
“I am” “I can” “It’s part of the journey” “I am capable of achieving x” “I can get through this” “This feeling is only temporary”
These simple things ensure that we are taking back control of our lives and not falling into the prison of our negative thoughts. Old habits will resurface, that’s okay and completely normal. The key is to CHOOSE AGAIN.
You can try this:
Grab a journal, notebook, paper or phone notes and make a table with two columns.
Write out the negative thoughts in the left hand column.
In the right, choose a new word or phrase to replace it with.
Keep returning to this and adding to it whenever you need a hand or reminder.
c) Refocus your attention
There are times when it can be productive to explore your negative thoughts. There are also times where you may not want to, you may not have capacity to do so, it might not be the time or place to explore them, and a plethora of other reasons.
Whatever the reason, it doesn’t mean you have to just continue to stay in that loop.
One thing you can do, with a positive intention, is to refocus your attention.
To note, this isn’t to say that you should ignore whatever is going on with yourself. This is just to help you stop the harmful and toxic loop in its tracks.
What is important about this activity is that it can help you stop fueling the fire of negative thoughts in your head. The more attention you give them, the more power you are giving away to them.
Refocusing your attention can be done in a variety of ways, here are a few:
- Consider the nature in your environment, and begin to name what you can see and consider the smells, colours and everything.
- Breathing techniques (focus on the sounds and feelings, deep belly breaths, breathe in and out with pauses, counting to 4 for each)
Whatever you choose (or maybe you experiment with different ones) you should consider this your anchor. Your anchor is something you can call on at any time to bring you back into the present moment and into your body, your environment and reality, and out of your head.
Conclusion
Your thoughts have the ability to control your mood and emotions. The more we can regain control of our mind and stop the negative thoughts, the more joy we can experience. It will take time, but it is possible to do. Start slow and be kind to yourself. Start to identify these thoughts and create some space between you and them.
Keep going forward with the things YOU want to do, not what your thoughts say you cannot or should not do.
You can continue through life being your own worst enemy, or you can be your own best friend, which can open a world of opportunities for you. We are not any less worthy than anyone else.
“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right”
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