How to Identify & Stop Self Sabotage

When learning how to stop self sabotaging, you need to first identify what self sabotaging behaviours you are engaging in.

The end goal in life for most people is to be happy. But how can you enjoy life when you are self-sabotaging your own happiness?

Whether it’s being successful, finding the perfect career, traveling the world, finding a partner or even a best friend, they all lead back to one goal: happiness.

When it comes to our own happiness, we can be our own worst enemies and not even realise it. Autopilot can be helpful when it comes to completing daily tasks, but is very unhelpful if you are stuck in a negative cycle. You will probably feel very stuck and lost in life, and deal with negative thoughts. You want more for yourself, but you just can’t seem to move forward.

Recognising your negative, self-sabotaging habits and changing these around can have a huge impact on the life you are trying to create for yourself.

The best thing you can do is start to become aware of these self sabotaging behaviours. Once you have awareness, you will be able to start the process of making a change and learning how to stop self sabotaging.

To help you on your journey, here are 20 different ways that you may be self-sabotaging your own happiness and how you may go about overcoming them.

There may be more, or you may only recognise one. But just by identifying your actions, you are one step closer to being happy 🙂

You don’t believe in yourself

Believing in yourself has a lot more power than you may realise. It can be the difference between what you have in your life and what you don’t.

Believing in yourself can be so difficult. We are conditioned to feel unworthy, not good enough and to doubt our abilities.

Some scientists used to believe that as humans, we respond to outside information. We are a product of our environment, which means we feel as worthy as society says we are.

But interestingly, scientists later discovered that our brains also respond to our previous experiences to determine what will happen. This means we also rely on past failures to determine our future.

It doesn’t have to be that way. We do not have to put the negative, limited beliefs on ourselves that the same thing or a bad thing may happen. A small amount of fear of failure is normal, but it shouldn’t stop you from believing in yourself or from being happy. This can be key to learning how to stop self sabotaging.

“Start believing in yourself, good things will follow.”

What to try:

If you believe in yourself and hold your head high, you are opening yourself up to more, positive opportunities. This isn’t as easy to do in practice though. See if you can give any of these ago:

1. Believe it can be possible, regardless of what has happened in the past, or what anyone else thinks. Each day is a clean slate to be a new version of yourself.
2. Act as if you are on the path to happiness. Not necessarily ‘fake it until you make it’, but with a positive, ‘I will’, ‘I will try’ attitude, you are much more likely to be more confident and take action.
3. Visualise your dreams. Picture what it will look and feel like it when you DO succeed.
4. Take messy action. The most important aspect of pretty much anything. You can believe it and visualise it as much as you like, but until you take action, nothing will happen. It doesn’t have to be anything big or perfect. But starting with small steps will help built self trust and momentum. You will start to create evidence that you are capable.
5. Find evidence that supports your beliefs. I’m sure you probably find limited evidence that is negative, and instead, more evidence that supports your capabilities. Perhaps a past challenge you have overcome.

What can be helpful is writing some of this down. Write down who you want to be and what you want to believe about yourself. You can also write down and reflect on the things you have done and the steps that you have taken as evidence.

You listen to the voices inside your head

Do you have an insistent nag in your head that tells you you can’t do it? The sole purpose of this voice is to put you down and tell you that you’re not good enough.

It would be too easy to just say: stop listening to it and get on with your life. But we all know it’s a lot more difficult than that. The voice started off as comfort, a friend. But now it’s your worst enemy.

What to try:

• Listen and try to understand your inner critic, rather than reject it.
  Listen to what it’s saying. Is it trying to tell you something? Are you scared? Worried? Is it a message you need to listen to or is it self sabotage? Sometimes it can serve a purpose, sometimes it is sabotage, identify the difference.
• Observe what it has to say, but know that it isn’t 100% factual.
• Take a deep breath and focus on your breath, calm your mind and body down. We tend to create a cycle when we listen to the thoughts and create a physiological reaction in our bodies which continues to cycle. Focusing on your breath can also give you an anchor during overwhelming thoughts. It also gives you space from the thoughts so you can centre yourself and identify whether you listen.
• Consider how factual these voices and thoughts are, and what evidence there is to support what is being said.
• Write down the thoughts and underneath, write a neutral, or positive if you can, statement. You may also want to add what you are going to do (e.g. if it is saying you are not capable, write down an action or a task that you can do for yourself as positive evidence against it)
• Try not to entertain these thoughts for too long. There is a point where witnessing and reflecting is productive, then it becomes unproductive. You can then turn this into more self sabotage by over analysing and avoiding the next steps.

That inner voice is what some may call your ‘Ego’. Your conditioned Self. The Self that is bound to the social contract, labels, opinions, judgements and everything in between. It is usually trying to protect you.

From the words of Eckhart Tolle, observe the voice of your Ego. Don’t try to ignore it, but listen to what it’s telling you. By creating space between you and your Ego, you are not feeding it and giving it more power. You are essentially saying, ‘thank you for your thoughts, but I will proceed how I wish to proceed’.

The less energy you give your negative thoughts (as long as it is safe to do so – remember there is a role in keeping you safe) and the less you entertain them, the less power they will have over you.

Take in what your inner critic was telling you and tell yourself something positive.

You CAN do this, you ARE capable, you ARE strong, you DESERVE happiness.

The more you do this, the more habitual and believable it is, before it becomes your new reality. Understanding and better managing your inner critic can be helpful in learning how to stop self sabotaging.

“Letting go of your inner critic can feel uncomfortable but it’s in the discomfort that new patterns are born.” – Athena Laz

You listen to friends and family who do not believe in you

Friends and family are often the closet people we have in our lives, but what do we do when they don’t believe in us?

Sometimes, the people close to you don’t realise just how much they are effecting YOUR happiness.

The people closest to us may put us down because they care, they’re protective and don’t want to see you hurt. Some people, however, don’t want to see you succeed, “do better” than them. Which is a shame.

If it was easy to just cut them out of your life, we would have all done that by now and not have this problem. But unfortunately, it’s not.

What to do:

• Remember that it’s their issue, not yours. Some people go on the defence because they themselves are struggling with something, for example, insecurity. It doesn’t make it right.
• Know that you can do it with or without them, you don’t NEED their support. You can’t please everyone and sometimes you have to put yourself first. You have the power to choose who you listen to, and whose opinion to take with a pinch of salt.
• Have a conversation with your friend or family member and understand why they do not believe in you and where it is coming from. They may not understand what you are trying to achieve. By simply having a conversation with someone, can take any confusion out of a situation.
• Sometimes you may have to remove toxic people from your life. Alternatively, you should said boundaries and take space from them to protect yourself. You don’t have to cut everyone off.

Remember to be strong and do what is best for you. It might be best to NOT give as much detail to some family members, or only tell the people you know will support you.

Ultimately, it’s your life and your choice to make.

And to be truthful, if they are that toxic, should they really still be in your life?

“I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!” ~Theodore Roosevelt

You are afraid you might fail

Failure is hard. It can be embarrassing and can be a complete knock on our confidence.

Change, risk and uncertainty are also hard. Taking a risk which may lead to failure can be scary. You may be saying to yourself “it’s more practical to stay where I am”, but if you do, you may never get out of your current situation.

It may feel more rational right now, but why wait until you hit rock bottom, or until it’s too late to want to make a change?

You wouldn’t do it with your work, or limit someone else, so why would you limit yourself?

In today’s world, failure is everything. If something fails, slips up, goes wrong; it’s all over the Media, but not in a good way. It’s never praised, or the valuable lessons learnt from the mistake are not shared.

This leaves people too scared to be put in the same lime light.

Fear of failure is normal, but not when it stops us from living our lives and hindering our happiness. So, no wonder we are afraid to fail, the fear is instilled in our brains. Who wants to put themselves out there if there’s a chance we might fail?

What to do:

Know that failing is not the be all, end all. There are so many benefits to failing and trying to adopt a ‘glass half full’ outlook on life can be helpful in this matter. Failure is imperative to growth. It is how we learn and make positive changes. Here are some really important things to consider:

• Failing is good experience. Not every situation in life will be perfect, but failing gives you a chance to learn valuable lessons from your mistakes. This in turn will help you to grow in all aspects of your life, for example, as a person, in business, etc.
• Maybe it’s not the goal you need to change, it’s the strategy. If you fail, it’s not necessarily because your goals are unrealistic or you’re not worthy, it just means that route didn’t work and it’s time to look at another. You should never give up!
• Failure helps to build resilience. We can learn to accept our failures and mistakes, how to overcome them and keep pushing to try again. It makes us stronger and hopefully, allow us to push even more for our dreams!
• It helps us value and be grateful for our journey and how far we have come.
  You may not truly succeed if you don’t fail first. Just look at some of the most successful people we know, they have all “failed” at one point.
• You will learn a lot about yourself and whatever you are trying to achieve.
• Understand that the fear comes from getting outside of your comfort zone. Your brain and body will always try to keep you safe.
• Turn your goals into small, manageable steps. For some, small is too slow. But then you go too big, overwhelm and don’t move anything forward. Any step forward is positive.

Failing can be unpleasant, but it’s inevitable. It’s just a small bump in the road, but a helpful, lesson-learning bump! I don’t even like to call it failing, it seems like such a harsh word. The first path didn’t get you there, so you’ll try another until you do!

Ask questions like: If it didn’t work the first time, why? What can I do differently?

Just imagine what will happen if you implement the changes and come out stronger… It would feel amazing, right?

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.” — J.K. Rowling

You’re caught up in the past

Being caught in the past is a lot more dangerous than you may realise. Without thinking, you are producing these irrational and negative thoughts from your past experiences, the experiences of others, labels, judgements, opinions and failures. But you have to remember, that anything that was said and done was in the past. This is now.

YOUR chance to move on.

Why don’t you look at it this way: prove to yourself you are not these labels, or limiting beliefs you are putting on yourself?

We have all made mistakes, but you need to be able to learn from them and stop holding on to the guilt and the pain. Put yourself first, be compassionate and let go.

Remember, the only time you really have is now.

What to do:

• Forgive yourself and your past, whatever it was
• Try to release any feelings you have around this (maybe a deep dive is necessary with a professional to help you identify what you are holding onto, what feelings are there for you, and how to move forward with appropriate strategies tailored to your needs)
• Consider letting go of control of everything and all outcomes
• Focus on what’s happening NOW, day by day and the actions you can take in the moment
• Take moments to be grateful for what and who you have in your life
• Do what you want to do NOW, not later and try to reduce procrastination and putting things off
• Know that you can re-write your story, start taking small steps and the past will go back to where it should be – the past

Remember, there is no real reason for your past to hold you back, other than the feelings of guilt. Let go, forgive yourself and enjoy your life and the people who surround you now. Don’t let the past take away any more of your happiness. Commit to letting go and forgiving yourself, or others, for past experiences.

A note: this doesn’t mean you have to ignore the past. Reflecting on the past can be helpful and productive in a lot of ways. This is just to say dwelling on it and holding onto things that are stopping you from moving forward may not be the best.

“The longer you live in the past, the less future you have to enjoy.” – someone on the internet lol

You procrastinate too much

Ah. Good ol’ procrastination.

It’s not COMPLETELY our fault. The way society and things like technology are rapidly advancing, there are more and more options for any given situation. This is making it harder for any individual to make a decision. Even something as simple as going to town and picking a restaurant to eat from, or a new phone to purchase.

If you are procrastinating, it suggests that you are overwhelmed with options, or limiting yourself and your abilities to do something. This is more likely to occur when tasked with something you don’t like, find difficult or causes you anxiety.

Our first instinct is to push it away. This is only temporary, as we put off the situation at hand and end up causing us even more stress.

What to do:

1. If you are presented with several options and you cannot make a decision, try writing them down and making a pros and cons list. Figure out the options to the situation, make a decision and put it all away and move on. Making a pros and cons list is a great way to understand the task at hand and justify your reasoning. (You can even just do this on the notes application on your phone)
2. Identify what is preventing you from taking action. Are you doubting your abilities? Do you trust yourself? Are you overwhelmed with options? Are you trying to predict the outcome? Acknowledge the limiting self beliefs and know they are only thoughts. Sometimes you need to limit over-thinking.
3. Learn how to regulate your nervous system and cope with stress and anxiety if you find yourself in a cycle of procrastination. When your head is calmer and clearer, you might find more clarity in your decisions. If you are over-thinking, you may create a physiological knock on effect of stress in your body which create an overwhelming cycle. Take a space and a breather, then come back to the question when you are less stressed.
4. If needed, flip a coin or pull out of a hat.
5. Know that (in some cases!) the decision you make is not permanent and can be changed. So it isn’t the end of the world.

“Procrastination makes easy things hard and hard things harder” – Mason Cooley

You feel the need to control everything

Control. Such a small word, but a powerful thing.

A lot of problems and frustrations in life can stem from wanting control over a situation. And you may not even realise you’re doing it.

Having control of a situation means security and certainty. Who doesn’t want to know that they are in safer hands than their own?

But, as human beings, how much control do we actually have?

Not much to be honest. Which is why we grab onto and try and control any situation we can, just to bring that security and certainty into our lives in order to make us feel good.

We can also try to control things, people or outcomes if we have had negative experiences in our past. This is a normal response to try and keep yourself safe and protected.

Having constant control of everything…

• Blocks your growth and self-development
• Limits opportunities

What to do:

It would be too easy to just say let go of control and run with the wind.

We all know it’s not THAT easy to just let go. But you must challenge yourself in order to learn and to flourish. Or, you risk being stuck in the same vicious cycle, constantly self-sabotaging your own happiness.

Know that without letting go, you will always be stuck in the same circle.

Depending on your situation, you may feel the need to deep dive into the control to see what exactly you are trying to control, why and where it comes from. This can be helpful to become aware of old patterns or triggers, so you can then work on changing them.

There is also a mindset element to this to work on. Consider what things are within your control. There are always going to be things that you are able to change about your thoughts, behaviours and life. Make sure you focus on these.

• Consider all the things in life that you cannot control. This might be things like other people’s actions.
• See where you can try to learn to surrender and let things be as they are.
• Identify where you are controlling and interfering, and where you are supporting.
• Find a balance.

Things you can control might be: your actions, your words, your thoughts.

Things you cannot control might be: others opinions and others actions.

To help yourself let loose, ask yourself these questions and apply them to different scenarios:

• Why do you feel the need to control a situation?
• What will you gain from this?
• Consider the concept there is no such thing as full control, how does this make you feel?

Wait until the next time you feel you need to control a situation, stop yourself and take a step back. See what happens when you go with the flow.

• How did this make you feel?
• What did you learn from this?
• Name one positive thing that came from this?
• Name on negative thing that came from this?
• How could change this next time?

To summarise:

• Let go of what you THINK you want, in order to make space for bigger and better things
• Go with the flow
• Try not to plan every second of your life
• Look at every situation as an opportunity
• Consider what you can and can’t control

“If you try and control everything, and then worry about the things you cannot control, you are setting yourself up for a a lifetime of frustration and misery.” – Unknown

“You can’t control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and let life happen.” – Kody Keplinger

You depend on other people

Do you need someone else in your life to make you happy? If they left you, is that the be all and end all for you?

If so, you may be too dependant on someone, or too dependant on wanting someone in your life.

Know that you are a strong, independent individual. Learning to accept yourself for who you are and being dependent on no one but yourself, will open you up to better and longer relationships with other people. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish. You are still able to care for other people and will actually be able to do it from a better place.

Save yourself first, don’t be the victim. The relationship you have, or want, with other people should reflect the happiness and love you have for yourself.

What to try:

• Learn to love yourself, and be happy and content with what YOU have.
• What are your strengths, what makes you happy, what do YOU enjoy doing?
• Consider looking into attachment theory and solutions.
• Work on regulating yourself and your emotions, this will help you to build an internal toolbox and resilience.
• Consider your thought patterns, core values and beliefs about yourself and your independence and capabilities. See how you can work on positively changing these.

You constantly do things you don’t want to do

Are you physically and mentally exhausted from doing the things you don’t want to do?

Do you constantly do what other people want, and forever putting your ideas on the back burner?

Relationships are two way. There’s nothing wrong with occasionally doing something you don’t want to do; maybe the food shop, or seeing your mother-in-law, for example.

But does it just stop there? Or do you no longer hold control over your life? Are you a chronic people pleaser?

When was the last time you done something YOU wanted to do?

Remember relationships are about compromise. There is always going to be things you don’t want to do, but are you finding a balance?

This could be in any relationship, not just a spouse.

Solution:

Consider first where this might be coming from. Do you feel you can’t say no in fear of consequence? Or do you habitually want to please people? Sometimes, people pleasing can come as a result of negative core beliefs or a nervous system response.

If you don’t feel good about yourself, then you may be trying to please people so they will like you or you will feel like you fit in more.

If you are in survival mode, then you may be people pleasing out of your safety response.

There are going to be different reasons and solutions. Here are a few things to consider and try.

• Understand why you feel the need to please people.
• Make time for yourself to do things alone and build your own esteem and identity – when you better your own likes and dislikes, you may be able to make more informed decisions.
• Find a balance in relationship, communicate openly and make compromises.
• Work on general regulation of your body and emotions.
• Consider what things you say yes to that you wish you said no to, what things drain your energy, what gives you energy, what you genuinely do/don’t want to do and start to consider what boundaries you can create for yourself.

You are always the victim

A lot of us go through life being a victim. You may well be aware of this, or you may not. Not only do you blame other people, but you are letting past situations or actions be your excuse for the present moment.

Do you find yourself blaming your bad luck, your parents or your genes, for example, when things go wrong?

There are times where something has happened and it is completely valid to be the victim. There are times though, when you may be blaming things like bad luck and life for all your shortcomings and sabotaging your happiness.

Your life becomes painful. Full of hurt, pain and constantly being let down.

We sometimes fail to realise that, as adults, we have more power than we realise over how we react to a situation. As a child, you feel helpless and crave attention. As adults, we can sometimes fall back into this state of mind.

What to try:

• Start to become aware of how you are acting in situations and what you are blaming
• Take responsibility
• Avoid blame, even on yourself
• Be kind to yourself
• Consider what you could do to change the situation in the present or next time
• Consider why you feel the need to blame and why you have learned to cope/act in that way

You may find it more empowering reacting positively, than negatively.

You thrive off fixing others

It is truly great wanting to help other people. It’s really empowering and such a wonderful gesture.

But at the same time, you also need to take care of yourself. Helping is amazing, but trying to “fix” or “change” someone else is a different story.

Firstly, you need to help yourself, too. Thriving off helping other people can sometimes be a distraction from helping yourself.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup”

Wouldn’t you want to help people to the best of your abilities?

As humans, we are all special and unique.

It is also important to understand if fixing is realistic (perhaps, change is the right word?) and if that person wants to change.

What to try:

• Accept people for who they are
• Let go of expectations
• Distinguish your actions; are you helping/supporting or fixing?
• Be there for someone, be a friend and listen
• Consider if you are you trying to distract yourself from your own problems?
• Let people take their own path and try not to control them

Learn to accept people for who they are and let go of your expectations. Help people by guiding them to be their true selves, happy, confident and live in the moment. Being there for someone, a friend and a listening ear can be more powerful than trying to “fix” them, as you’ll never get there, for them or you.

You constantly compare yourself to others

In the digital age we live in today, comparison is known as the “thief of joy”.

As we scroll through our Facebook and Instagram feeds, loathing at the perfect lives we are seeing others enjoy in the tiny squares, we wish we could just pull our lives together enough to enjoy life a little bit more.

But the ironic thing is, if we just took the time we spend scrolling through social media and went outside, we could do just that.

The thing is, Social Media is a highlight real.

Obsessively scrolling through as soon as you wake up and every spare minute you have during the day comparing yourself and wishing you were them, is the easiest, and probably one of the most common ways to feel bad about yourself.

Everyone looks good, eats healthy, has better stuff than you. Everyone else seems to be more accomplished and has their sh*t together.

It’s becoming more apparent that people now work on Social Media. For some, these posts are their job. They have the TIME and get PAID to pose, cook and eat for Social Media. You very rarely see the bad stuff, or the real stuff. Just the things people want you to see.

And for most people, social media is a highlight reel and not a real reflection of life, and it is really important to remember this.

It’s hard to stop though. By continuing to get sucked into the life of others on social media, inevitably leads you to feeling inferior, inadequate and jealous. It leaves you moping around, not seeing the point of life. “Life goals” are so far away, there’s no point in even trying.

By comparing yourself to others, you are making yourself unhappy and more importantly, putting your focus on the wrong life. Remember you are seeing the result, not the effort behind it. Some people work very hard to get that one perfect picture. Plus, everyone is on their own journey and at different stages!

What to try:

• Remember what you see is the highlights of people’s lives
• Cut down your scrolling time or remove apps completely
• Look at their posts and their “takeaway” from it, use it as motivation to go out and live your life
• Remember you are on different stages of your life
• Remember you are unique
• Channel your energy and focus on YOUR life, no one else
• Just be YOU and let go of other expectations, because that will bring you the most joy
• Write a list of things you want to achieve/what you want your life to look like and start taking messy action

You worry too much about what other people think of you

We are hard wired to impress people. A lot of the things we do, we look to others for approval or justification for our actions.

All while that can be a great confidence boost, everyone is different. But we don’t take this into consideration when looking for approval.

Whether you do it consciously or unconsciously, the way people react, or think of you has an impact on how you feel.

Sometimes it can go too far. It can lead to fear of not doing anything, incase you are negatively judged for it.

What to try:

The truth is, no matter what you do, someone will always have an opinion, good or bad. But you need to remember that other peoples views are not important, if what you’re doing doesn’t hurt anyone and it makes you happy.

If they are older, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have more experience, if they are friend or family, they may try to protect you, if they are more successful than you, they may want to try and help you.

Whether someone has a positive or negative opinion of your actions, ultimately, the only ones that matter are yours. Do what is right for you.

• Let your opinions of yourself be louder than others
• Accept that people have opinions and not everyone has to like you and THAT IS OKAY
• Don’t speculate on whether people have an opinion or not
• Build your self-esteem, confidence and resilience
• Continue to work on doing things that bring you joy
• Try to bring the majority of your focus on you and your life

You have to do everything yourself

Do you find it impossible to ask for help?

Do you want your friends and family to know how strong and independent you are?

That’s completely understandable. There is nothing wrong with being a strong, independent individual. But there is also nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it, especially if it’s standing in the way of your own happiness.

We encourage self-sufficiency and view asking for help as a sign of weakness. We avoid being vulnerable, even infront of those we love. But this shouldn’t be the case. (Thankfully, with the rise in awareness around mental health problems, there is a huge push for people to ask for help.)

What to try:

• Be strong and know that asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness
• Don’t let the fear of asking for help, stop you from being happy
• Speak to the right people, not just people who are convenient
• You may not get the reaction you want, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying
• Consider how you feel when someone asks you for you – do you feel pleased they asked you, happy to help? Remember that is how most people will feel when you ask
• Start by asking for something small and insignificant and build up from there

You’re not grateful for what you have

It’s hard in today’s world to not want the next best thing. A new phone, a new laptop, a new purse. We live in a commercialised society whereby our happiness and worth is judged by the money in the objects we own.

It’s easy to put our focus in what we don’t have, and what next best thing could make us happy.

We spend days, months, years searching for happiness, when actually, it’s right infront of us.

There are so many great things in our life to be grateful for. We never really stop to consider that though.

What to try:

• Stop putting all your energy in your problems, minimise the time you think about them
• Make time to stop and appreciate the little things in life, the good things (your family, your friends, your pets, the trees, the clouds)
• Take more notice of nature, the smell, the sounds, the sights you see
• Make a habit of thinking of 3 things per day, you can even write them down

“You see what you look for”

You struggle to see the positive side of things

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”

Good and bad things happen every day, it’s inevitable. It’s normal that we perceive situations as being positive and negative, it’s part of being human.

But sometimes, we start to see every single thing as negative, a huge hinderance or inconvenience. But we also don’t want it to go the other way and life become filled with toxic positivity. Humans are supposed to experience the good and the bad, but there comes a point where it is unproductive and harmful when every single thing is negative.

We go from seeing bad situations like a job loss, an illness or a breakup as negative (which is understandable), to seeing everything else (that may not be so bad) as a problem.

It’s like a domino effect, but on our life.

Work, exercising, eating, cooking, getting stuck in traffic, getting up in the morning, someone is chewing loud, you have to do the washing, your friend bailed, you made a mistake, etc. all become a huge weight on your shoulders.

But how do you stop seeing the negative in everything, when everything just seems so bad?

What to try:

Take a step back and look at the situation objectively. Is it life changing? Is it an opportunity? Is it something that has to be done? Can you change the outcome?

You may not have the power to the change the situation, but you certainly have the power to choose how you react. Try to work on accepting it, look at it is an opportunity (or just something that needs to be done, like the washing!) and get on with it.

Judgement and perception…

You see, it’s not things that upset us, it’s our judgements and perceptions. Take a step back for just a moment and look at the situation as it is, without labelling it good or bad. Sometimes we are not able to change the situation infront of us, but we can certainly choose how we react. We can try and improve the situation and see it as an opportunity, or we can see it as a bad situation, the end of the world and make ourselves (and even others!) suffer unnecessarily.

This, of course, is hard to apply where there is a really emotional, life changing situation at hand. It cannot be quickly dealt with and move on, but it’s still important to choose how you react. If you have lose your job, or a friend has fallen ill, rather than being negative about it, you can choose to change how the moment unfolds. The only time we have is now, so would you rather try and improve the situation, like find a new job or support your friend (or their memory)?

Doesn’t that sound just a little more pleasant?

It can be hard at first, when you are sad and feeling stuck, to pull yourself out of the rut. But start small. Laugh at the fact you dropped your coffee down your white shirt and be grateful you have clean clothes back at home (the home that keeps you warm at night!). Sometimes it can be hard to find the sunshine, but you can be and create the sunshine, instead.

Change your perspective and look at things objectively, without a label.

Look for the positive, or the opportunity in a situation. x was meant to happen, but instead y happened, so now I will do z instead.

Sometimes we just need things to be a certain way, but they aren’t what we expected, especially if it catches us off guard. We don’t like the lack of control.

But can can have control… over what happens next and how we perceive situations. If we have preconceptions about life, then we are going to perceive situations a lot more negatively. You can consider writing this down to help you reframe your thoughts. For example:

• What happened?
• How did I react?
• How did this make me feel?
• What would have been the ideal reaction?
• How can I try this next time?

You don’t give yourself enough credit

We all have goals and aspiration, and it can be a horrible feeling when you know you are so far away from your goal. Whether it’s a career, weight loss, or just to live a happy life…..

In order to achieve your goals, you have to start somewhere right?

Celebrating the little things is great for motivation, as well as in general, they deserve to be celebrated!

What to try:

Try taking a step back and ask yourself, what have you done today that is working towards your goals?

Did you get out of bed this morning? Did you workout? Did you plan an article for your blog?

Acknowledge the small things

Celebrate it if you can. But just acknowledging it to start with is a big enough step for a lot of people who are uncomfortable. Maybe you can work up to that.

You should give yourself the credit you deserve. For breathing, getting up in the morning, going to work, making a great meal, working out, writing an article, taking a bath.

No matter how big or small, acknowledging the wins can be great for moral, motivation and just an all round happy life.

You wrote the book of excuses

Do you find yourself committing to things and then having to back out of them? Do you find that you often tell white lies or are constantly giving excuses for things even when it isn’t necessary.

There are many things that can drive you to keep making excuses, for example:

• Not understanding yourself and overcommitting
• People people and overcommitting
• Low confidence and self-esteem so giving an excuse and not doing something is the safer option

What to try:

Be honest with yourself, rather than lie to yourself. If you don’t want to do something, or you are too tired to do it, know that it’s ok to give the excuse.

On the other hand, there are things that need doing and there is no reasonable explanation to repeatedly not doing it. You need to determine the difference between not wanting to do it and putting something off. It may be that you are feeling anxious about something but know you’ll be pleased when you are there.

You will not always be motivated to do something

But you it’s good to have a little discipline to get things done. Discipline might not also be there every time though. But try when you can. Growth is right outside your comfort zone and is where you can build new habits and momentum. See where you can get support, for example, do smaller things with a trusted friend, or find someone to hold you accountable.

You’ll be happy when…..

I think we are all guilty of this one. I’ll be happy when I lose weight, I’ll be happy when I get a new job, I’ll be happy when I’ve been on holiday, I’ll be happy when (fill in the blank). Sound familiar?

It’s a trap.

One that most of us fall in, to be honest. It’s not because there is something wrong with us, but because we are all under the false pretence that happiness is a ‘thing’.

What to try:

Know that no external factor will bring the internal state you are looking for.

Happiness is a feeling from within, that cannot be bought with holidays, weight loss or new things. Admittedly, there may be a temporary feeling of happiness, but how long does that last until you are waiting for the next thing to make you happy?

• Live in the present moment
• Be grateful for what you have right now (friends, family, a roof over your head, food)
• Enjoy the journey

Remember, happiness is made and not found.

Self-sabotaging your own happiness is not something you can easily stop. We are conditioned this way, it’s a process. But we CAN learn to take less notice of our conditioned self, our inner critic and put our energy in the moment and positivity.

You can’t ALWAYS be happy, but there are certainly changes you can make to stop self-sabotaging your own happiness and enjoy life a bit more.

Are you making positive changes in your life?