As a fellow people pleaser, I find it so difficult to say no to someone. No matter how bad, uncomfortable or stressed it will make me feel – I could not say no.
Sometimes it has worked out for the best, accelerated my career or I’ve made new friends out of it because it has pushed me out of my comfort zone. But in most cases, it has ruined my day, night or weekend and put mountains of unnecessary stress on me. This is because I used to say yes when I wanted to say no.
There are many reasons we fall into the people-pleasing/fawning role. This could be because we:
- Don’t want to let someone down
- Fear abandonment
- Dislike confrontation
- Have been conditioned to put the needs of others before our own
- And much more.
It can be as simple as someone asking to do something at work. Or a friend asking to stay with you for the weekend. These things may seem small to some people, but for someone with a heap of stress, anxiety and a lack of confidence, it’s not that easy to deal with.
It can even catapult beyond this. After saying yes too many times, people start to notice and take advantage of you (consciously or not). And/or it may become harder for you to say no the longer it goes on.
When we don’t say no when we want to, we are neglecting ourselves.
So here, I want to talk about ways we can stay strong, stick up for ourselves (in a non-confrontational way – because confrontation is just not a thing for those who struggle with anxiety and also it doesn’t need to be mean) and stop doing things we don’t want to do.
- Does the thought of confrontation, rejection or disappointment send shivers down your spine?
- Do you apologise way more times than you need to?
- Do you feel a heap of stress, anxiety, guilt and discomfort when having to say no to someone?
- Do you struggle to find the words to say no to someone?
Then this is the post for you.
To make things easier, I’ve been trying to look at it this way. I can either:
- Say yes and suffer
- Say no and suffer
- Say no and be happy with my choice
It seems so simple now, right? Number 3.
But it’s also not. But why?
Why can’t we say no?
- You’re a people pleaser and hate to let people down
- You hate confrontation and saying no opens that door, especially if you hang around people who perhaps are not very understanding
- You’re too nice for your good
- You feel like you can’t say no
- You’ve learned that saying no has consequences
- You are deeply impacted by the past and/or trauma
- All of the above, plus anxiety, stress and a whole heap of other shit
Benefits of being able to say no
- Relieve built-up stress, anxiety and pressure
- Help your mental and emotional wellbeing
- Give you time, energy and freedom
- Make life easier, rather than harder
- Feel liberating
- Provide you with more opportunities
- Provide you with a more balanced life
- Provide you with courage and confidence
Saying no can be one of the hardest things, especially when it is someone close to you, or even your boss. But it’s important to understand that you always have a choice, you just need to find the confidence within you to stand up for yourself.
It certainly won’t feel natural at first, but it will be the most liberating thing you do. To help you on your journey, here are some top tips to help you be strong and say no.
Understand what is going on for you
Taking a step back and understanding your own situation, boundaries, what makes you happy and what makes you uncomfortable, will help when choosing to be strong and say no. It’s also good to understand why you struggle to say no, is it because you do not like confrontation or does that person intimidate you?
Consider what thoughts, feelings and physical sensations come up for you whenever you are in this situation.
Take a look at your relationship with the other person, or your role (if you’re at work, for example). In some cases, this can be helpful to consider what is expected of you. You can justify in your mind that it is okay and more than reasonable to say no (e.g. if this happens is work). You’ll have to keep revisiting this information so you can remind yourself of the facts. This will help you build the right evidence in your brain to support you through the process.
Know it will be uncomfortable
Unfortunately, even if you are in the right, it is still going to be uncomfortable. If you have anxiety or suffer in other ways, then it is likely that trying to say no causes enough anxiety. Let alone confronting someone and saying no. You will need to set realistic expectations. It won’t be easy and it will be pretty uncomfortable at first. The good news is, the more you put yourself in uncomfortable situations, the more evidence your brain and collect and practise can get, and you will eventually find it starts to get just a little bit easier. There will also be a great sense of relief after you start saying no and respecting yourself and your boundaries.
Ask yourself: is it worth it?
How is it going to make you feel and what effect is that going to have on your wellbeing? Is it worth going through all that, just because you felt you couldn’t say no?
Are you neglecting yourself and your needs by not saying no? What does your life look like long term if you continue on this path?
Make sure you are putting yourself and your well-being first.
Take space before responding
Whether you are in a situation face to face with someone, or you have just received a text, it can be helpful to take some space before responding. This can help you be much more mindful in your approach.
If you are a people pleaser, then it is likely that you get a reaction because your fight, flight, freeze, fawn response kicks in. This might mean that you go into a panic, you start to experience physical sensations in your body and you want to run away.
Take a moment to breathe before you respond. This puts some space between you and a reaction. Over time, with practice, you may find that this creates a little space so you can respond in a way that is more aligned to you. Where possible, take a breath before you respond, especially if in person. If via text, then you can always give yourself more time to discharge the buzzing energy running through your body. Responding from a more regulated nervous system state can make the confrontation much easier.
Don’t fall for manipulation
I’m not just talking about a friend or family member here. This article includes salespeople, bosses and colleagues, too.
Some people, whether intentionally or not, are manipulative. To spot this, you may notice they are trying to bring out feelings of guilt in you or ask you something without providing an ‘opt-out’.
Being aware that this is the case might help you overcome those feelings of guilt. You shouldn’t have to feel like you owe anyone anything, especially if they are manipulating you.
You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone
One of the biggest things I used to be guilty of is justifying – not just by saying no, but nearly every time I speak.
It was a really bad habit.
When understanding how to say no, over-justifying your answer makes it really difficult. All those words you need to remember, trying to let someone down gently, is just unnecessary. It can often end up in just a rambling of words that don’t make sense. They are just completely unnecessary to share. This can then add to the stress and anxiety you may experience.
Actually, a lot of people prefer an answer without all the fluff. If you feel the need to justify, just provide them with a brief explanation, then stop. Don’t beat around the bush. The less said, the better.
Regardless, you don’t have to put yourself in a lot of stress before saying no, thinking of what to say and how to say it. You can simply thank the person for the offer and politely decline.
Be assertive and confident
It is likely that, when saying no to someone with an ounce of confidence in your voice, they are less inclined to push you and more inclined to take your answer seriously.
But confidence is not just something we can pluck out of thin air. Sometimes, you have to start by acting a little confident. Sounds silly, I know. But acting confident and seeing the positive results, actually is a great way to instil confidence into you naturally.
Be sure to stand tall and be a little assertive. Take a breath before you respond. People will take you more seriously. If they can see that you are struggling to say no (some toxic) people will push you even further. This results in an uncomfortable yes. It might be helpful to write down or practise what you want to say first. It might not be easy when you first say no. The more you try, the easier and more confident you will become.
Believe in yourself. It will take time, but the more you learn how to say no, the more confident you will become in doing it.
You don’t need to lie
Sometimes it is much easier to lie when you want to say no.
It’s more than likely that any lie you tell will lead to strong feelings of guilt, stress and pressure. This defeats the point of trying to stay strong and say no. You’ll just add a different type of stress on yourself. Let alone having to remember the lie you told and make sure the truth never comes out. Lying isn’t easy.
Go back to the point about not having to justify yourself.
Try not to put it off too much/long
One thing I used to do (because firstly, I struggled to say no and secondly, I’m not good at thinking on the spot) is put things off. I’ll say something like “I’ll check and let you know”. When deep down, I know I don’t want to. This just buys more time to think of a good enough lie to tell.
If you genuinely don’t know, then you can’t help but delay it and it is okay. It is also okay to delay it for multiple reasons. But if you are delaying because you want to say no but don’t have the confidence to, then using a delaying tack tick will only add more stress because you know you have to deal with it one way or another. Give yourself the time that you need, then try not to dwell on it too long.
Make the decision and take action.
Saying no and just having a conversation with someone will deal with the situation there and then, without adding more stress.
Be polite
Saying no doesn’t mean you have to be rude or blunt. Simply saying “I’m afraid I can’t this weekend”
Being polite provides a cushion to the receiving party. Most of the time they can’t be rude to someone who is being polite. (Minus those a**holes who are just rude to everyone – unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do about that!) But if you know the person well enough, you can anticipate how they will respond. You can tailor your answer to ensure both parties are happy and remain on good terms.
A simple, “Thank you for thinking of inviting me” can go a long way. And it is just nice to be a nice person.
Ask a question back
This is a great tactic. Especially if it is a colleague or a boss you are trying to stand up to. This allows you to come to a compromise, but at the same time, putting the ball back in their court.
This is especially helpful in a work situation. When your boss is coming down hard on you and you’re already strapped to tight deadlines. Simply saying “I’m happy to help, but I am super busy right now with xyz. What would you like me to prioritise?”
Practice saying no
Sounds silly, I know. But running through how you are going to say no in your head (or in the mirror, whatever your preference) may just help you.
It’s about finding a balance though, personally, if I overplan my answer, I can’t remember it on the day. Simply hearing yourself say it out loud is a good way to instil confidence in yourself. You can see just how not so bad saying it really feels.
Stand up strong, head high. You’ve got this.
Your self-worth is not defined by how much you do for someone. Self-worth is something we all measure, but sometimes with the wrong scales.
Our careers, our appearance and what other people think of us are key factors to this, but the wrong factors.
One of the biggest ways some of us determine our self-worth is our ability to please others.
When you’re so used to doing things for people, even when you don’t necessarily want to, it feels like that’s your purpose. If you’re anything like me, you probably also need to always be right and have a huge fear of failure. When you finally pluck up the courage to say no – it can affect how you see yourself. Your self-worth does not define how much you do for people.
You are still you. Just a stronger, more confident you who is doing something for themselves.
Build your self-esteem/foundations
When you have worked a little on your foundations, you feel more regulated. You know your worth, then it may start to get a little easier to say no to things.
People pleasing can come from different things, for example, a dysregulated nervous system, fear, conditioning, trauma, and more. When you dive into this a little more with something like therapy, incorporate body work and regulate your nervous system and build your self-esteem, saying no might even come a bit more naturally. When you are in a better place, you may choose to not neglect yourself and opt to protect your peace.
You always have a choice
It is important to understand that you always have a choice. Learning to stand up and say no will take time, effort and consistency, but it will come. It certainly won’t feel natural at first, either!
It isn’t going to be easy, but it is worth the journey to learning to be able to say no more often. You’re not going to get it right the first time, and you might sitll fall into those old patterns. But each option is going to be hard: not saying no, or learning to say no. So, pick your hard?
I hope you can take even just one thing from this post to help you move forward with your life and become unstuck. Remember, you don’t have to go from 0-100. Small, baby steps. Meet yourself where you are first. This might just be regulating yourself and doing some work behind the scenes first before you start implementing any changes.
What’s your experience with saying no? Do you have any top tips to share for those who need it?
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